Hello friend. I'd say old friend, or new friend, but why bother putting labels such as these on a thing such as friendship. Come in, take a seat. Would you like a cup of coffee? A smoke? Please, make yourself comfortable. I'm glad you've stopped by. See, I don't get many visitors here in my head, it's a rather cluttered and difficult place to understand. Let's have a conversation, one that no one wants to have, and one that is quite uncomfortable to have. But first, Let us get to know each other a bit better shall we? You obviously already know my name, or you wouldn't know how to find the place! What you may not know, is that I'm a relatively simple guy. I don't much care for fanciness or the like. I live a simple life, don't have much that I don't need. Now, I am certainly not saying that I'm anything but blessed, because I am extremely blessed. What I'm saying is, I don't have much in the way of frivolity. I don't much see a point in it. I have a few close friends that I hold dear, and would do anything for them, as I'm sure they would do for me. I love my family, and that isn't just those that are blood. I don't fancy myself a philosopher or anything of the sort. But I have a multitude of thoughts running through my head, and decided I wanted to get them down. And if one out of a million that reads this finds solace, or someone who has similar thoughts, that's more than I could have ever asked for.
Now, let's get back to our conversation. Suicide. That big scary word that no one wants to talk about. Some of you have people in your lives that have been lost to suicide. My heart breaks for you. Others of you, haven't lost anyone close to you. Some of you, Like me, deal with depression, and have thoughts of ending your own lives. And there's bound to be some of you, who are happy as a blue jay, and nothing can bring you down. how dearly I wish I could be the way you are. Some who think they know me, are thinking right about now, "How is this possible? He's one of the happiest people I know!" The reason my friends, is because I love to see the people around me happy. If I can make someone laugh, someone smile, or even just be a small spark in their darkness, it's enough for me to have a moment of happiness. Now please don't think I'm saying I hate my life, or that I need a thousand emails saying how you're there for me, and please don't do it, because It's not the case. I suffer from depression. This is the case. I have been prescribed anti-depressants, and yes, I take them. This doesn't magically make me Mr. Happy all the time. I still deal with my depression, and I still struggle with my suicidal thoughts. It's not because I hate myself, or because I get bullied by people on facebook. It's just a fact, a facet of my personality.
I do my best to lift people up, and to try and encourage those around me, because it's just part of who I am. That being said, I am unhappy. It's not for any one reason, but I think it's rather a combination of multiple things. Things I have done, things I haven't done. Where I'm at, as well as where I'm not. I don't contemplate suicide because I'm a coward. I'm not a coward. I know some people will say, "It doesn't end the chance of things getting worse, It ends the possibility of them getting better." This might be true. And if some people find solace in that quote, I am so happy for them. I personally do not find any hope or any encouragement there. I don't see an ending point. I don't see where things start getting better. I know it's selfish, and that it's the "easy way out". I realize all these things.
The reason I haven't taken my own life, is because of you reading this. My friends, my family, those who need me in their lives. I've noticed with the advent of "Social Media" we are more connected to people around the block, across the state, on the other side of the nation, even those opposite us on the globe. We also are more disconnected with those we seem to care most about. Those that we want in our everyday lives, those that were closest to us. If you take one thing away from reading this my friends, let it be this- Turn to those you care most about. Tell them how much you care about them. Let them know how much they matter, and turn to someone if you need help. Have friends. Even just one. One that will encourage you, and be your reason.
Who's your reason? Let them know.
Make your life incredible,
James.
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